This post is for me. I need to (vaguely and without details) express a frustration in my life. If any of you have insights into my frustration, that would be great. If not, that’s okay, too.
So, here’s the story. I was once close friends with a current Mormon culture hero of moderate stature. While we were friends, this individual did some terrible things. He has never repented and never set them right. At least one person’s life has been permanently damaged. Yet the individual in question never suffered any apparent consequences for these bad deeds.
Now, I know who vengeance belongs to, and justice, and mercy, and the rest. So it’s not like I want to get back at my friend for what he did. But every time I am exposed to him via Mormon culture, it’s like I’ve been punched in the gut. I haven’t been able to get over it, and I can’t seem to permanently get away from the guy.
So I pray for my heart to feel forgiveness. And, in the meanwhile, I just get sick to my stomach a couple of times a month… That’s about the whole of it. Thanks for listening.
-RT
Crossing paths with someone who is living a lie (think Mark Hacking) is one of the most unpleasant experiences in life. My family had someone in our life like that and although we never see him now, he continues to leave wreckage in his wake everywhere he goes. I spent almost one whole wretched year dwelling on the injustice of it all until I was sick of the misery. I had to forgive him to move foreward with my life. Then to my surprise I found that I had learned some of the best lessons in my life.
Mormons have cultural heros?
I can think of a few “names” in various things that may have lived a double life. i.e. beyond just doing some stupid things for a few years they regret. Obviously it would be inappropriate to say more. But like C. Jones says, once you encounter people with double lives, it really is amazingly unpleasant. But other than warning people who might get hurt, there’s not a whole lot you can do.
Unfortunately some have emotional flaws that also enable them to be great manipulators. I think Dave had a post on this a few months back with regard to recent studies on sociopaths. There’s a lot more out there than most realize, and many are the very people who live double lives.
I vote for exposing him.
I’ve thought a lot about this since I read it. I remeber the first time I felt betrayed by someone in the church…it was hard and the person was penitant. The thought of someone not being penitent (the sociopath and Clark mentioned) is simply sickening.
John, I’ve been asked by a few of the biggest victims not to discuss what happened in public. If it were up to me, I’d tell everyone everything–because there are some people who need to know, people who I don’t even know who are being taken advantage of. But I don’t feel free to speak out. That’s one of the reasons for this vague post: I get to feel almost like I’ve said something without actually having to betray people’s trust…
Clark, yes, I think we do have cultural heroes. Although I would differentiate between cultural heroes and culture heroes. But not right now. The less clear the term I use, the better! Your reference to sociopaths is right on with respect to the person I’m talking about. It’s like Hamlet says: “That one may smile and smile and be a villain.”
C. Jones, as I mentioned in the post, I’m trying to forgive. I’ve been trying for a while. It’s hard. I think it would be easier if (a) our shared Mormon culture didn’t keep exposing me to the guy and (b) he wasn’t still probably doing the things that he does so well…
J. Stapley, thanks for your sympathy.
Yeah, like I said it took me a year. What made me realize I had to let it go was when I, a normally reserved and I hope kind person, confronted someone out of the blue and had things coming out of my mouth that I couldn’t believe. This was behavior that was completely foreign for me. Later I realized that the dwelling on the evil that had been done to us had affected me, and I even remember thinking- I sounded just like my enemy. It was quite a wake-up call.
So hang in there, it’s a long process.
RT — No instant advice here, but I was wondering if this person did anything to you personally. If so, have you ever confronted him about it?
I always bring these kinds of things up in prayer to the Lord. First, I tell Him the whole story, all I know about it, and then I offer up a repentance prayer in their behalf, based on the Scripture in Hebrews 5:1-4. The “sacrifice” is the repentance prayer “I repent in behalf of _______for every time he_____in Jesus’ name.”
In my heart, I cannot “let it go” without it, to me it is like Temple work left undone to you, and perhaps your heart is begging you to “intercede” for this man, because you know what happened. It is easy for me to “let it go” after I’ve done that work in prayer. If you have qualms about it, I offer this solice. It is not much different, in my opinion, than baptising for the dead. That is also in behalf of someone who was ignorant, or “out of the way.”
Can you give any vague notions about what he does that makes him a popular icon? Is he a public speaker, an athlete, a composer, a general authority, an artist, etc.? You don’t have to be specific but it might help us put into perspective how dangerous (or not) it is to keep quiet about it. In other words, by staying quiet about it are other people likely to be deceived and manipulated by him?
Also, why can’t you divulge some things while leaving the identities of the victims secret?
Of course you were vague in your post in terms of his deeds. But I will say this. If he is a molester he needs to be exposed for what he is. There can be no silence in molestation cases, regardless what the victims say. A molester never stops molesting. And so if he is a molester—expose him! But if it something else I suppose that you are in a pickle jar. It is a difficult call to make. It is never advisable to allow people to use emotional abuse over someone else. ‘Exorcise’ him from your mind and begin to think freely again. I know that it is easier said than done…
This is going to seem weird coming from me. Have you prayed for him? That’s how I was able to let go of my resentment of my ex-husband.
Good hell, get over it. Stalin and Mao never got what was coming to them either. If it bothers you, confront him. If not shut up and move on
WHo are you to judge whether he has overcome/repented. Those things happen in private, and unless you are privy to his every whim and personal moment then you have no right to judge. My thought, let it go and move on. Obviously this person causes you come sort of real stress…move on with your life! That’s just my opinion though.
Kevin, I didn’t know Stalin or Mao. And, Kevin and Eric, I’m not sure that it would be helpful to confront him. The one person who has says that he laughed.
Kris, I know he hasn’t overcome or repented because he hasn’t made a single move to undo the massive, life-altering damage that he caused to several people that I love. I am moving on with my life–but, as I mentioned, because of the celebrity of the individual in question, I am forced to remember him from time to time. If I could just forget him altogether, I would, but I don’t seem to have that option.
Carl, I don’t think it would be a good idea to identify anyone involved because I’ve been asked not to. I’m inclined to agree.
Why me, the person in question is not a child molester.
Ann and Enigma, thanks for the suggestion. I’ve prayed for help forgiving; now I’ll try praying for the perpetrator…
Wow, you’ve got me curious as to who he is, but more, what he has done.
I’ve found some things interesting, I remember a friend who felt betrayed by Carole Lynn Pearson (drat, I’ve probably misspelled her name), and then learned the truth and has since changed their thoughts. However, I suspect that sort of thing isn’t the case here.
You’ve got my sympathy, I’m glad you are moving on and I hope God answers your prayers.
This is one of the things in life that are tough to deal with. When is it OK to speak out? We’ve been taught to forgive and forget all sins and let the Lord bring the sinner to justice for their sins. That justice may not always be done on earth but it’s not for us to worry about.
Yes, learning that this person is a person of celebrity does make it much more difficult. I assume this is not a person within leadership of the church but who is prominently known as LDS who happens to be celebrity for other things than church membership. I won’t ask for any more detail than that, as even naming his occupation could very well expose him. The more information you give, the more people will ask for until he’s been fully exposed so I’d say let the victims expose him unless they want him exposed and can’t for whatever reason. In the meantime, don’t give out even the slightest hint. Just the fact that you’ve named him as a celebrity has opened up intrigue and investigation. All sorts of people run through our minds and it could damper our respect for someone who might not deserve that sort of distrust or disrespect.
Daniel and Stephen, thanks for your thoughts. I agree, Daniel, that I shouldn’t say more. I had to mention the guy’s celebrity because it was central to my dilemma: I can’t just avoid him. But to say any more would be unhelpful, I think.
I am one of the victims, just not one of the biggest ones. So I’ll let the others make these decisions, I guess. (I hope they all fully know about him… But how can I know what they know?)
RT, there was a wealthy man in my area who seemed to make quite a few enemies, even as he moved up in the church hierarchy. When the stake presidency was reorganized, the Seventy who organized it made a point in conference of saying that God had directed him personally to each man in the stake presidency, and wealthy man was one of those guys.
A dozen or more people left conference before a sustaining vote was taken.
Within a matter of just a month or so, wealthy counselor in the stake presidency was excommunicated for stealing from people. Apparently, he didn’t have any prejudices; he stole from rich and poor alike. Members who had lost their life savings to this man and his schemes had been complaining about it to no avail for a couple of years; it took his elevation to a relatively important position in the church for him to suffer any consequences for the suffering he had caused.
Last I heard, he was in Huntsville.
If you are one of the victims of the person you describe in this post, maybe you need to do something about it, to protect others. This isn’t just something you know, it’s something you’ve experienced.
Ann, thanks for your advice, which I’ve thought about for a few days and which is wise, as always. Finally, though, I’ve decided that I just can’t do anything about it. A close friend of mine unwittingly facilitated the person I talked about and was excommunicated for a time as a consequence–although the person in question was not disciplined at all. This friend feels that reopening that episode would cause trouble in terms of his effort to regain standing with his family and access to his pension (he was a church employee before). So in the end, I’m deferring to him. But it’s been helpful to be able to talk about this, even in the extremely abstract language that we’ve used here. Thank you all.
A close friend of mine unwittingly facilitated the person I talked about and was excommunicated for a time as a consequence–although the person in question was not disciplined at all.
Wow. I’m glad it helped you to blog about it.
Wish the guy well in his need to “regain standing with his family and access to his pension.”
If you ever feel like sharing the details, drop me an e-mail.